Amazon Prime’s “Interesting Finds”
Amazon Prime Day is fast approaching. (It begins at 3 p.m. ET on Monday, July 16, and runs through the end of Tuesday, the 17th, for 33 hours, if rumors are to be believed.) In honor of the occasion, I’ve put together a list of 23 weird things on Amazon that are strange, wonderful, and wildly popular with millennials.
As a millennial myself, there are items on this list that I never knew I needed, but now I’m sure I do. (A tiny blender? Meme-ified Cards Against Humanity? Yes, please!) And then there are some that I just can’t wrap my head around. But then again, we millennials are an odd breed.
Feast your eyes on this nonsense, complete with my personal viewpoint, because my opinion is the only one that matters.
These are Amazon Prime prices — after all, if you’re going to buy from Amazon, you really need to be a Prime customer. Sort your life out.
Ever been on the road and needed to, ahem, go? This scientifically tested spray is nontoxic and made of essential oils, so it’s no wonder it’s popular with the kidz. It will help you keep your business, well, your business.
I literally almost died when I found this. This is my favorite thing ever. It’s Cards Against Humanity, but with memes. God, I love memes.
This handy set of finger puppets goes down well all over the world. I recently found one hanging from a hook in my apartment. I’m still not sure how they got there or what they’re for. But why not, I guess? And if you’re feeling really crazy, why not get tiny hands for the tiny hands?
These are revolutionary. ASMR is rising in popularity as a way to help you sleep. (For the seriously out of touch, ASMR stands for “autonomous sensory meridian response,” which means that some people get tingles and nice sensations from certain sounds.) As such, these headphones are a game changer. Providing you don’t roll over and choke yourself with the chord while you sleep. 🙂
Summer is upon us, and I honestly can’t think of one reason you wouldn’t buy this. Going to the beach? Chillaxing in the pool? Floating on a slice of pizza is now on my bucket list. It should be on yours, too.
I can’t stop laughing at this. Amazon is clearly more comfortable with the term eye massager than it is with good, old-fashioned vibrator. Maybe I’ll try it out — the bags under my eyes could use a spin.
This is the cutest thing ever. Going to a party in the Bahamas? Frozen margaritas. Hitting up your mom’s backyard barbeque? Smoothies. I don’t know who thought of this or why, but I need one.
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but a pickle will never let you down,” wrote one enamoured buyer. I’m honestly starting to get concerned about my generation, you guys.
Alright, that’s it. Everybody go home. This is all millennials will ever need. The rest of you can hang up your boots — we’ve hit peak Gen Y gadget. Do I need this? No. Am I going to buy it? Probably.
If you’ve ever shared a kitchen with more than three young people, you know just how gross and grimy it can get. These emotive moms will take care of that cleaning for you. What will they think of next?
So I actually own this one. My last bedroom had no window (I know, super illegal), and I struggled to get out of bed in the morning because I felt I was living in a cave. When I actually remembered to set it, this alarm clock really did help. It’s definitely not as bright as the sun, but it does the job. It’ll tear you from the depths of a dark sleep.
I’m just really confused by this one. What’s the science? How does it work? Why is it so popular? I know I could google the science, but I don’t want to. I’m grumpy now. This is dumb, but seems to work. What’s happening in the world?
Listen, I love a good selfie just as much as the next person. But when I see someone take this out in a club or a bar, it makes me want to smash their phone into pieces. No one needs to see you that clearly, especially not at that time of night!
I’ve never needed glasses, so I don’t know the pain, but this is the best name for a product of its ilk. It’s the stuff that stops your glasses from sliding down your nose. Genius!
ABOX T22 LCD Projector, $110
My roommate just bought one of these for our apartment, and honestly, if you think you don’t need one, you’re lying to yourself. Imagine watching The Office spread out across your wall. Bliss!
It’s no real surprise this is so popular, is it?
Vacu Van Wine Saver, $12
In my younger days — okay, that was four years ago, but anyhow — I was so enamored with wine that I’d drink myself into a stupor every weekend. Alas, wine is expensive in New York, so I switched to beer to make my drinking affordable. I wish the 18-year-old me knew about this marvelous contraption that keeps wine fresh. This is an example of millennials doing it right.
We’re becoming more environmentally conscious daily, and the popularity of this notebook shows we mean business. I’ve never seen something that’s so futuristic and Harry Potter–esque at once. Write your musings, scan the code, and it saves the scribbles to Google Drive or Dropbox. Awesome!
Now that we’ve all stopped pretending that mental illness and anxieties don’t exist, these coloring books are where it’s at. Nothing seems to calm an unquiet mind like careful shading of egregious adult words. The world is a messy place, and sometimes we need things to help us slow down.
Loghot Lips Ashtray, $13
Okay, this one's just too cool. Like, really cool. Like, this-makes-me-want-to-take-up-smoking cool. Just kidding. Kinda.
Liquid Ass, $10
“Excellent for the office, the ex & the neighbor.” That’s it. I’m done. No more Amazon for me. (But if you have time, read the reviews of this “highly concentrated super-horrible-smelling fart spray.” I’ve been laughing for 10 minutes straight.) I am going to leave it to all of you to figure out what search terms lead me here.
There are a lot of things on this list that make no sense, but the Snap ‘N Strain is one of the most practical things I’ve ever seen. It actually got me excited. This is what it means to be an adult now, huh? I miss the days when millennials were still kids being shit on by Gen X.
No home is complete without . . . this? Seriously, what sociopath thinks of these things? And why do people create and sell them? Will wonders ever cease?
Interesting Finds (Updated Daily)
If you’re an Amazon Prime customer, this is where you can find all the stuff you “hearted” before. What’s really awesome, though, is its “idea list” feature. You can see lists of items that other millennials have put together and that may go together in some way. It’s a great way to broaden your horizon on Prime. So if my list doesn’t cut it for you, Amazon has already done some of the legwork for you. You’ll find some pretty random, weird, and amazing junk on here. Godspeed, my friends.